Summer Clothing Dilemmas

Hi there boys and girls!

So the sun is finally managing to pierce through those heavy English clouds and shine down on us, praise the Lord. This fact, however, makes a certain daily decision even more difficult:

What to wear?

Are bare legs acceptable in the office? Are flip flops? Or a more subtle and robust flat sandal - one that manages to avoid tassels, beading and jewels - so we don't all look like we're on our way to the beach? A flat pump - with the risk of highly sweaty toes? A chaffing heel? A highly-dangerous-to-walk-in wedge? Are shorts work-wear enough? How short do I dare? Is a vest too clingy on the breast area? Is it OK to flash a summer-bright bra strap? Is a maxi-dress OK on anyone under 5ft 7?

So very many questions. And yet no answers. I have seen so many fashion crimes on the tube this week I actually dread the daily commute. My eyes are offended by a multitude of summer-induced sins. Namely:

The nude tight. Too hot for an opaque tight? Then why the hell are you wearing the same garment in a highly unflattering matte "American Tan"? Note: When accompanied by an open-toed sandal this is possibly the most upsetting thing of my entire day. Or even better - the nude tight OVER, and I repeat OVER, an anklet. For the love of God. The sort of person choosing to wear skin-coloured hosiery is definitely not in the same personality category as a free-spirited hippy anklet-wearer. So just stop it.

Sports shorts. So it's a beautiful summer day outside and you are scrambling around in your wardrobe looking for something weather-appropriate. Whereupon you happen upon a plain tank. And a pair of polyester sports shorts. The ones manufactured by Kappa, Adidas and the like back in 1998. A short is a short, right? NO NO NO NO NO. Team this ensemble with a pair of white sports socks and you may as well be dead.

Skirts with back slits. Now come on. Those derriere brushing slits are pushing the levels of decency at the best of times. But paired with pasty bare legs, they are all sorts of wrong.

"Nautical inspired" (read anything involving red, white and blue) outfits. Just because you are wearing a white stripey top with a navy blue skirt, it does not entitle you to don any red shoe you can find it to really work that anchor and sailboat look. This was never fashionable (well, maybe once according to Dolce & Gabbana, but Lord knows you can't trust them to lead you in a classy direction). In fact, red shoes are mainly the work of the Devil. Nothing sets off sunburn/pink knees/shaving nicks better than red footwear. Just a warning.

Ladies, the above is why God made white loose cotton shirts, sand roll-up chinos, t-shirts, cropped leggings, tunics and summer day dresses. For those of us with taste.